High Impact Morons

Alice Hall in New York City, Paul Masck, 2009

Bobby wanted to change the world.  He came to Julliard to learn music, and become a world-famous musician.  Unfortunately he was not doing terribly well with his studies.  Every night he would go out drinking with his fellow music students, criticizing the latest trends over whiskey and beer.  It was slowly becoming evident that Bobby would not be the successful and powerful musician he had planned on becoming, and his drinking buddies were also coming to this realization.  This naturally lead to an increase in the frequency of going out to drink, and on many days they would be slurring their words well before lunch time.
On a Wednesday morning the a cab driver dropped Bobby off in a random region of New York City that Bobby had never seen.  The cab driver could tell Bobby was going to vomit, and the task of cleaning Bobby’s vomit was not offset by a 20 % tip.  Bobby saw a man working at a Manhole.
“Hey you!  Am I still on the island?”
The worker looked up.  “Yeah, you in L.E.S.”
Bobby walked up closer to ask for direction to the nearest subway “Hey man.  Where-”, then Bobby puked into the worker’s hair.
“What the Fuck!”  yelled the worker.  “What the fuck is wrong with you!?”  Fortunately the worker was a fairly non-violent fellow and just walked away, probably to borrow a restroom and wash up.  Bobby noticed a green light indicating a 6 train and was able to make it home without any help.
Unfortunately the steam pipe that the city worker was attending was left partially welded, as the worker decided to leave early to take a shower, and simply forgot to finish what he had done.  Over the course of three days condensation began to form around the crack.  The steam network for New York is under constant repair, being a century old mess of pipes.  Thus it was inevitable that one day a repair would need the temporary closure of a valve downstream from the damaged pipe in the Lower East Side.  This caused a momentary rise in pressure at the closed valve which traveled in a wave packet downstream.  The damaged pipe in LES was not able to support the pressure and exploded sending 300 lbs of steam onto the sidewalk.  A taxi-cab managed to dodged the 300 degree steam by turning left, straight into a brick apartment building.
Ambulance were rushed to the area immediately.  But the disaster continued to spread.  This particular steam pipe provided steam to many of the Laundromats in the area.  As a result many of the locals were not able to pick up there clothes that week.  This was of particular concern to Linda Malloy, who was due to attend her sister’s wedding that Friday, and was having her favorite dressed cleaned after spilling chocolate ice-cream on during a Julliard sorority picnic.  Linda was a very immature and spoiled girl, and instead of bringing the dress to a laundromat uptown (where the steam system was functional) she decided to drown her troubles in alcohol.
At the Bar just off campus Linda ran into Bobby who was drinking alone today.

“Hey Bobby!  Come here, buy me a drink.”
Despite being broke and not having enough money for food, He was feeling particularly horny.
“Why don’t you come here!” he yelled across the bar.  Linda came over and they chatted about their problems.  Linda told the story of her stained dress.  A story one would think would only be a sentence, but Linda was able to elaborate a lot.  It took about twenty minutes for her to finish.  Bobby being more interested in turning the conversation to himself mentioned how hard it was for people to care about the troubles of other, and then morphed that topic into how he was doomed to live in obscurity.
“I feel as if I have no impact on the world.  I might as well not exist.” said Bobby.
By this point Linda was on her third drink, and Bobby was no longer horny.  However Linda was feeling particularly cruel.
“Come in close Bobby.  I want to kiss you.”
This brought back Bobby’s libido.  He leaned in.  Then Linda gave a worried expression.
“What’s wrong Linda?”
She didn’t say a word.  She just held her face as is for about three seconds before explosively puking on Bobby.
“Jesus Christ!  What’s wrong with you?”  yelled Bobby.
The Bartender came over “Okay kids, out!  Now!”
They were thrown outside into the harsh daylight.  They would later go home and have sex before parting ways, as they were very lonely, and mutually did not understand how they could have any impact on the world beyond them (an inherent desire of artists).

– Epilogue –

Linda became pregnant.



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